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Delirious With Weird

Monday, October 11, 2004  
Franco Baresi would be proud

Jamie Theakston, being the most knowledgeable man in the country when it comes to pop music, is presenting a new series on C4 which aims to get viewers voting on who should be inducted into the UK’s Rock N Roll Hall Of Fame. Oh my. There were five artists included automatically, bypassing the shortlist and vote kerfuffle and going straight past Go and collecting £200; The Beatles (yawn), Elvis (yawn), Bob Marley (yawn), Madonna (yowl) and U2 (wtf?!). U2? Why the fuck do they get a pass straight in? Because their career’s passed across more than one decade so the organisers didn’t know which show to put them in? Jesus. No Stones, no Velvets, no Marvin, no Stevie, no Clash, no [insert name of favourite redundant canonical rock artist here]… So U2 are one of the five Greatest Artists Ever. I guess they’ve sold a lot of records, but I still don’t get what the fuss is about beyond bits of Joshua Tree and Achtung Baby.

But anyway, last night was 90s night, with ten possibles up for the vote, including Prodigy, Oasis, Radiohead, Dr Dre, Blur, Robbie Williams… and Missy Elliott. Who, granted, released two solo albums and did a whole hump of production work in the 90s, but who surely didn’t break through into the UK mainstream until 2001 when “Get Ur Freak On” was released? So wtf is she doing in the 90s show?

There were many, many things wrong with this programme, from the completely redundant talking-head commentators (Stephen Dorff says he likes Red Hot Chilli Peppers! WOW!) to the inclusion of Red Hot Chilli Peppers (and some woman, Sylvia someone, saying something about how they’ve changed their sound with every album yes they’ve got slower and more boring is that what you mean crazy woman?!) to John cunting Harris wearing a Happy Mondays t-shirt and a BAD haircut (almost as bad as Vernon cunting Kaye rubbing himself in the presence of Paul cunting Weller on T4 earlier in the day – “Do you think you’re cool?” “Anyone who thinks they’re cool isn’t cool” he says wearing sunglasses indoors and sporting a cunt’s haircut - I hope they both catch impetigo and die, or at least have very nasty rashes which make them appear unsightly to ladies they find attractive) and perpetuating even more BULLSHIT about stuff. John Harris – you’re a cunt.

But of course no one really cares about this programme, because everyone was watching Ralph Little mark Paul Gascoigne on Sky One. Chris Waddle… Viv Anderson… Trevor Francis… Sheffield Wednesday Old Boys vs Some Pesky Famous Kids? Robbie Williams’ boyfriend flatmate / cousin / whatever scored an almost mirror-image copy of the Beckham goal against Wales after Gary Pallister had driven the Legends ahead after Bosnich went off to snort some coke injured and they had to put some TV presenter in goal, before Ally McCoist restored order by scoring the winner in injury time. And on Five there was a documentary about Stan Collymore, possibly my favourite non-Wednesday/Arsenal/Roma player ever, for a bunch of reasons including (but not condoning) the fact that he decked Ulrika.

Sunday nights are bizarre.

Drove to work so as to avoid being confronted by a frozen corpse atop the cliff.


10/11/2004 08:56:00 am


Anonymous Anonymous - 4:24 pm

I think u should give some sheets / sleeping bags etc to the man on a cliff...drop them off nearby if you dont wanna speak to him...

Also is stylus gonna use my review d'yer think?


Anonymous Anonymous - 2:21 am

And on Five there was a documentary about Stan Collymore, possibly my favourite non-Wednesday/Arsenal/Roma player ever, for a bunch of reasons including (but not condoning) the fact that he decked Ulrika.

- how do you like someone for decking there girlfriend without condoning it? thats a tricksy one i'd say.

Blogger Nick - 8:50 am

Woot - It's all edited and awaiting a space in the schedule, basically.

Anon - The decking Ulrika thing is obviously reprehensible (although I don't, in theory, subscribe to the idea that a man should never hit a woman - if a woman attacks you and you're in danger then I think you have every right to hit her - saying that I have never hit a woman, even if I have occasionally ripped a door off it's hinges instead) - the Collymore / Ulrika incident is reprehensible because he's a BIG bastard and she's not, plus, I gather, she didn't hit him, she just wound him up. In which case you walk away, or whatever; anything but deck someone a lot smaller and weaker than you.

But it's not that incident which is part of the reason I "like" Collymore (and "like" is probably the wrong word) - it's what the incident symbolises, which is a complete and utter loss of control, which in turn is part of the story of Stan, and it's that story which I find so fascinating. Stan Collymore was one of the most gifted players England has ever seen - very quick, incredibly strong, tall, absolutely phenomenal balance and touch, a powerful and accurate shot off either foot; he was like Cantona in many ways, but more direct, which in some ways made him better, or at least more obviously effective when he was on form. I always dreamed about a partnership of Shearer and Collymore for England (or at least I did after it was apparent that David Hirst was fucked) - had Stan partnered Alan in 1996 and they both been on form then England would have won Euro 96, it's as simple as that.

The fascinating thing is that Collymore was SO good and at the same time SO incapable of dealing with the lifestyle, the pressure, whatever it was that fucked him up, and the Ulrika incident is like the ultimate apotheosis of what he could of been, the bottom of the bell-curve from Genius to Wanker (or at least it was until the dogging thing came up).

Collymore's Liverpool debut was against Sheffield Wednesday, and he scored two absolute screamers. That's the top of the bell-curve.

Anonymous Anonymous - 11:42 am

Damn you, impetigo is my favourite bacteria at the moment!

Blogger Nick - 1:04 pm

"at the moment!"

Anonymous Anonymous - 11:52 pm

thats a good explaination re collymoore. yes indeedy. well cleared up. also yes excellent use of the word impetigo.


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Nick Southall is Contributing Editor at Stylus Magazine and occasionally writes for various other places on and offline. You can contact him by emailing auspiciousfishNO@SPAMgmail.com

All material © Nick Southall, 2003/2004/2005