@uspic¡ous Fish¿!
Delirious With Weird

Monday, October 25, 2004  
Do you have any Linkin Park?

Children and animals love me, for some reason. I’m not entirely sure why, because I’m not massively keen on either. I’m no animal hater – it’s just that I’m allergic to most things with fur (which I’m sure they’re aware of on some primordial, scent-based level, hence their affection for me), and as for kids… well, they can’t really talk about existentialism and cultural impact of hiphop and Chris Morris over a pint of Guinness with you, can they? But they do love talking to me, for some reason. Emma’s 13-year-old brother loves me. The three random kids of about the same age who’ve just spent the last 20 minutes harshing my buzz (or something) seemed to too. It’s probably my own fault. Emma says that because I’m not particularly arsed about children I don’t bother to make any special effort to communicate with them on “their level” (if such a level exists) like most adults do, and apparently kids love being talked to as if they’re normal people (there’s a surprise).

So how did it start? How do you think? Blasting the Embrace album via the iPod I get onto the train, spot a seat next to someone who won’t mind being assailed by my music, and sit down. So I sit by three kids, about 12 or 13 years old, because kids don’t mind noise, do they? One of them I recognise – he does a paper round on my estate and I walk past him every day. I always feel quite sorry for him, especially when it’s raining.

But I had my iPod in my hand when I sat down, didn’t I?

“Is that an iPod?!”
“How much is it?”
“In money or capacity?”
“I dunno- how much?”
“Um, 20gigabytes. I’ve had it nearly a year, it cost £300 but they’re £220 now.”
“You spent £300 on that?!”
“Have you got any Tupac on it?!”
“Yeah, I have actually.”
“What are you listening to?”
“Who are they?”
“Um, a rock band, I guess.”
“Have you got any Foo Fighters?”
“Have you got any Blink 182?”
“Have you got any Green Day?”
“Um, no. No. They’re quite good. No.”
“Can I have a go?”
“How many songs have you got on it?”
“Have you got a girlfriend?”
“No. Um, three thousand and something. Yes.”
“I see you in the mornings. You walk fast. Why do you walk so fast?”
“To get to the train on time.”
“Where do you work?”
“He goes to college!”
“Does he?”
“No, I work at the university.”
“Are you a teacher?”
“What do you study?”
“I work in the library.”
“Does it use batteries?”
“It has an internal battery, it lasts about 7 hours.”
“Do you charge it every day?”
“Do you use it all the time?”
“Why do you have so many songs?”
“Do you read a lot of books?”
“What type of bird is that?”
“I don’t know. Oh, it’s a heron. I look after the music and films, I don’t have much to do with books.”
“Can you take sound off DVDs and that?”
“You could if you recorded it to CDR via an analogue stage, I guess, and then ripped from the CDR.”
“Yeah, I do that all the time. Weirdo.”
“Are you well into computers?”
“Are you a techno bod?”
“Not really, but I do like stereos.”
“Are you from round here?”
“What school did you go to?”
“Yes, I live where he does his paper round.”
“I know him better than you do. I see him every day.”
“Do you have any Jay Z?”
“Do you have any Eminem?”
“Yeah, do you like his new one?”
“I went to Teignmouth. Yes, I have lots of Jay Z.”
“Do you have Dirt Off Your Shoulder?”
“Yes. I have lots of Eminem too. I do like his new one.”
“Do you have Michael Jackson? Can we see all your songs?”
“Wow is that a touch-screen?!”
“It’s touch-sensitive, on this bit.”
“Is it loud?”
“Yes, it’s louder than most iPods, I downloaded software to make it louder.”
“I like the video when Michael Jackson’s nose falls off and he goes UERGHUERGHUERGH UERGHUERGH.”
“I go to Teignmouth! Who was your tutor?!”
“Do you know Mr Smiddy? Ask him about me. He was head of sixth form.”
“We can’t, we don’t know your name.”
“Do you have a girlfriend?”
“He does he said!”
“My name’s Nick.”
“Can I have her number?”
“Is she fit?”
“What’s your ambition in life?”
“Do you have a lot of CDs?”
“Yes, no you can’t have her number! Of course she is. Um, to get a better job at the moment. I have almost enough CDs.”
“Do you know Muse?”
“I was in Chris’ science group.”
“Can we come round and borrow some CDs?”
“No you can’t!”

That’s about as much as I can remember. When I got off the train they all vaguely followed me to my car, where dad was waiting to pick me up, and they said “BYE NICK!” very loudly. While the conversation was going on I was randomly playing them songs from the iPod, avoiding Jay Z and Tupac in favour of “B.O.B.” by Outkast and “Soon” by MBV. You gotta get ‘em young if you can.

Most odd, but strangely good fun.


10/25/2004 07:24:00 pm


Anonymous Anonymous - 8:31 pm

I don't think they liked you 1/100 as much as you like yourself.

Go Atkins.

Blogger Nick - 8:39 am

I'm really not keen on this recent trend for anonymous, snarky comments on my blog. If you don't like it, or me, then fuck off. Simple as.

Anonymous Anonymous - 8:48 pm


i don't love you i am not gay unfrountaly(for u )
i am straight so take that down before i go to the police .go it


Blogger Nick - 8:42 am

This is why I'm in favour of Boot Camps.

Blogger Miss Mish - 12:06 am

Hi there - I've followed a link from Silent Words Speak Loudest.
Don't kids always ask question after question without waiting? You never know what to answer first!
My fave kid story is when I was playing with my cat out side (I must admit being a little girly and silly with him) when I noticed I was being stared at by a couple of urchins from over the wall. "Hello!"I said.
"Do you have a husband?" they asked.......


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Nick Southall is Contributing Editor at Stylus Magazine and occasionally writes for various other places on and offline. You can contact him by emailing auspiciousfishNO@SPAMgmail.com

All material © Nick Southall, 2003/2004/2005