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Tuesday, August 10, 2004  
100 Things You Should Have Done In Bed But You Never Got The Chance To Try


1. Suffered a bad back
2. Had sex
3. Read the 50 Greatest Movies To Change Your Life article in this week’s Radio Times
4. Suffered the awful, dawning realisation that life experiences are meaningless in this country unless they can be codified and quantified by lists
5. Made a list
6. Ticked off things you have done / listened to from a list you read in Q / Cosmopolitan / TV Quick / Sluts & Goddesses Fortnightly [delete as appropriate]
7. Ticked off things you have NOT done / listened to from a list you read in Q / Cosmopolitan / TV Quick / Sluts & Goddesses Fortnightly [delete as appropriate]
8. Ruminated on the hideousness of Hen Parties in Dublin (or any major city famed for offering “a good night out” [for instance Nottingham, an absolute fucking armpit of humanity, a dingy, dark, dank city with nothing to it’s name but a history of social injustice and bandits, but which has more women than men and also loads of bars and clubs in the city centre and also hideous problems with alcohol, violence, etcetera etcetera because of all the bars and clubs in the city centre which exist almost entirely at the expense of any kind of daytime socially-binding culture or commerce or industry]), which are much worse than the already foul Stag Parties because (I sense a list coming) a. Women on Hen Parties tend to wear matching t-shirts emblazoned with phrases such as “Debbie Does Dublin 2004”; b. Women on hen Parties tend to drink all day which is not something that women do that often (men tend to do it a lot), which leads to; c. Women on Hen Parties tend to get much more drunkenly incapacitated than men on Stag Parties because women’s bodies are less amenable to the abuses of alcohol, which in turn leads to; d. Women on Hen Parties tend to get taken advantage of by local men who can spot them from a distance of 500 yards because of point a.
9. Made a list of lists you ought to make
10. Pondered whether in actual fact there are people in this country who are so emotionally and culturally retarded that they are ticking boxes on lists of “important” or “profound” or “exciting” life experiences that they have been told they should have experienced by whatever age they happen to be right now by a list in a magazine which purports to detail all the “important” or “profound” or “exciting” life experiences that one needs to have had by age X in order to be able to consider oneself a proper and interesting human being instead of actually considering their own happiness away from the faux authority of lists which seek to codify and quantify the life of a human in 2004 by telling them which “important” or “profound” or “exciting” life experiences will make them “happy” where “happy” = “being able to tick a box in a list” and come to the crushing truth that Yes there are and what’s more their numbers are growing everyday due to the proliferation of such lists
11. Realised that you hate lists and very rarely make them, even shopping lists
12. Wondered if anyone has ever had their “life” “changed” by a list of films they read in the Radio Times
13. Or any list that claimed it would “change” “your” “life”, for that matter
14. Rage… increasing… exponentially… as… list… grows…
15. Fuck making a list


NJS

8/10/2004 10:19:00 am

2 Comments:

Blogger HOLT - 10:00 am

That hit the spot. Hen Do's CHECK, Lack of major city culture outside of binge-drinking CHECK FHM aspirational box-checking CHECK

I see your track-by-track is up. Time for me to have a go...

 
Blogger Geoff Love - 4:59 pm

I must jump to defend Nottingham here. My partner is from Nottingham and i've had some very pleasant experiences there recently. Particularly in one or two of the old pubs there such as Ye olde Trip to Jerusalem which is part carved out of the rock in the base of Nottingham Castle. It's a CAMRA pub too which means you get a good pint.

It has a nice Sushi restaurant, too. Also the centre, which like most city centres in this country, is currently undergoing a lot of redevelopment which is making it nice and open.

My house-mate found out today that he has Scabies, i hope i haven't.

 

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Nick Southall is Contributing Editor at Stylus Magazine and occasionally writes for various other places on and offline. You can contact him by emailing auspiciousfishNO@SPAMgmail.com


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