@uspic¡ous Fish¿!
Delirious With Weird

Tuesday, June 08, 2004  
I don't even like current buns

Pick up a copy of The Sun today. Go on. Because on the front page, and again a couple of leaves later, The Sun inadvertently reveal the ailment that has afflicted one of England’s brightest young footballers. wtf is this I’m talking about? Joe Cole. Have a look for yourself; I’m sure you’ll concur. The problem with Joe Cole, as revealed by The Sun and suspected by many others for a great deal of time (stand up, Mr Hopkins), is that he’s too busy trying to be fucking cool. Look at him. He’s the only member of the England squad wearing shades on the steps of the plane, and then, in the pictures of the heads of individual players making their way to the plane, not just sunglasses but the telltale ear-attire of the cuntishly aspirational wannabe-cool dickhead; white iPod headphones. Now obviously I have no problem with iPods (hahahaha), but a; those headphones that come with them sound rubbish, b; they are a mugger magnet, c; you might as well wear a sign on your head saying “I’m cool a twat”. This last effect is doubled if you are about to board the England Football Team Plane to the European Championships. I repeat, Mister Cole, you are about to board the England Football Team Plane to the European Championships, wtf are you doing listening to your fucking iPod and wearing big-ass-ugly aviator shades?! Even a pair of Oakleys would be acceptable, because at least they’re vaguely sporty, but big-ass-ugly aviator shades are only worn by pilots and wannabe-cool wankers. AND SOMEHOW I DOUBT YOU ARE FLYING THE PLANE, EH, WOT WOT, TALLY HO?! Cole’s missed chance (‘chance’ = ‘SITTER’) against Iceland is yet more evidence of his fucking overbearing desire to be too fucking cool for school. ON A PLATE, all that is needed is one deft touch, simply redirecting the momentum of the pass, sending it past the keeper before the keeper even knows it’s been played into the box. But OH NO, Cole has to take a touch, has to show how balanced and cool he is, has to show that he can ‘do stuff’ in the box. So he wastes the initial chance, attempts to unsight the keeper, and then ROLLS IT WIDE LIKE A MUPPET, proving me wrong and Mr Hopkins right in one fell swoop of unmitigated idiocy. Joe Cole, you are a fucking tool.

As for Michael Owen’s inability to shoot with his left-foot, well, the less said the better. Except that I ACTUALY COULD HAVE SCORED THAT, YOU MUPPET, INSTEAD OF PANSYING IT INTO THE KEEPER’S HANDS WITH YOUR OVER-STRETCHED RIGHT FOOT LIKE A BIG GODDAMN GIRLY GIRL.

[Aside; William, quietly, stage left – “This is fucked-up, this music” : Nick, loudly, centre stage – “WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU EXPECT?! IT’S TOM WAITS AND WILLIAM BURROUGHS!!” End aside]

Saw a kid (approx. 14, male) wearing a t-shirt the other day with the slogan “I think therefore I’m single” across the chest. Eejit.

There was something else I was going to write about, but I’ve totally forgotten. If you know what it was, please do let me know.


6/08/2004 08:47:00 am


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Nick Southall is Contributing Editor at Stylus Magazine and occasionally writes for various other places on and offline. You can contact him by emailing auspiciousfishNO@SPAMgmail.com

All material © Nick Southall, 2003/2004/2005